Candygram for Pete Townshend

by Damian | Feb 11, 2015 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Never thought I’d be thankful for JC Penney, but today I saw a TV ad from them that featured a cover of the song “Let My Love Open The Door” by Pete Townshend (to paraphrase Abbott and Costello, “Who is Pete Townshend? Exactly!”)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aruvmOpnkhE

The song is from Pete’s first solo album, Empty Glass, from waaaaay back in 1980. It’s a fantastic LP (that’s short for long-play, kids), and today I listened to the whole darn thing for the first time in eons. So thank you JC Penney. I’m still not buying any Valentine’s Day gifts at your stores. Nice try, though!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ4MOkK2MOM

Naming rights, naming wrongs

by Damian | Feb 7, 2015 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

The recent snowstorm that hit the Northeast was called “Winter Storm Juno” by the Weather Channel. At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old man, “Back in my day, they didn’t name puny little storms. You had to be a Hurricane – you had to earn your name. Now get off my lawn… after you finish shoveling my driveway!”

Here in Cincinnati, one of the local TV stations has started issuing rather ominous-sounding “Weather Alert Days.” I’ll translate that into plain, non-alarmist language for you: “It might snow.” They issued one last week, and we got 0.3″ of snow. Get a grip, you Doppler dunderheads!

Really, if they’re lowering the bar for naming, why stop at winter storms? Soon every local TV weatherperson will be talking about “Sunny Day Sandra” and “Thunderstorm Terry” and “Partly Cloudy Sybil.”

(hat-tip to Mookie for the idea.)

Not scoring any points

by Damian | Feb 6, 2015 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Pet Peeve alert: I can’t stand it when a sports broadcaster uses the term “score the basketball.” As in, “James LeBron is the Banana Slugs’ best offensive player… he really knows how to score the basketball.”

Using that term is so moronic (unless they happen to be announcers for a baseball game, then it’s just plain weird).  Technically, basketball players don’t score the basketball, they score points when the basketball goes through the net.  Just saying “score” would get the same point across (no pun intended); we don’t need “the basketball” part of it. Do the sportscasters think that if they don’t say “the basketball” we might wrongly assume that the player is going to arrange the music for the next Spielberg movie? Sorry, that job is probably already taken by this guy:

So if you’re a b-ball sportscaster and are tempted to say “score the basketball” remember the famous catchphrase of Marv Albert, and do the opposite.

Poor Tom Brady

by Damian | Feb 1, 2015 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! It seems like a lot of people in America don’t like the New England Patriots, and I don’t understand why. Their quarterback, Tom Brady, has really had a hard-knock life:

He’s married to someone named Gisele Bündchen. I’m not familiar with her, but from the sound of her name she’s probably some ugly German hausfrau.

His boss likes to spy on people. So if Tom is supposed to be studying the playbook but instead he’s wasting time surfing the Internet—probably looking at pictures of Victoria’s Secret models—his boss knows it and busts him for it. Think of how difficult those working conditions must be.

He has a rare medical ailment. I’m not sure what “deflated balls” means but it surely can’t be good.

His teammates would rather spend the rest of their lives in jail than play with him.

So if you’re not sure which team to root for today, root for the Patriots. Poor Tom needs your support.

Meat mania!

by Damian | Jan 31, 2015 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

I belong to a community-based website that allows folks in my part of town to post notices – lost dogs, community council meetings, crime reports, etc. This was posted on the site a couple of days ago:

Several thoughts came to mind:

1. Looks like someone just locked up “Salesperson of the Month” for January.
2. Seems like the grandson has a bone to pick with the seller. A T-Bone!
3. The seller was just knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. Call him Sir Loin.
4. Grandma actually only needed $10 worth of meat, but since she didn’t have Amazon Prime Rib she needed to buy $335 worth to get free shipping.
5. If you want the best quality meat, you have to buy it out of the trunk of someone’s car.
6. There’s a special place in hell reserved for folks who prey on housebound grandmothers. And they’re probably enjoying plenty of juicy flame-broiled steaks.
7. “Meat peddlers” would be a great name for a punk rock band.
8. Alert the authorities:

All dolled up

by Damian | Jan 29, 2015 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Apparently there’s a new Chucky movie coming out this year. I find it tough to get really scared by a child’s doll… unless it’s the doll that my older brother and I stole from our kid sister when she was five. We cut off all of the doll’s hair (what older brother hasn’t done that?). But we didn’t stop there. We painted her eyes with glow-in-the-dark paint. Now that was super-freaky, and not in a Rick James way.

But how can something induce spine-chilling fear when it doesn’t even have a spine? I know kids who can break toys in their sleep, just by rolling over onto them.

I’ll admit there’s something creepy about Chucky’s eyes. But if he can get his own seven-film franchise, then here are some other movie pitches:

First she’ll talk your ear off… and she won’t rest until you DIE of boredom. 

She’ll make YOU pee your pants with fright. 

She knows what you did last summer. 

Why limit it to dolls, though? How about other classic kiddie toys?

The next thing he’ll be digging… IS YOUR GRAVE!