Smile, even if you’re not on Candid Camera
The endorphins are free. So’s the dopamine. And the serotonin. (More here.)
That miracle pain-reliever you crave might already be in your possession. Here’s some Mitch Hedberg to kickstart those smiles.
No LOVE for the BOAT game
The never-ending pandemic. Monkeypox. Inflation. Partisan politics. Those are enough to turn the cheeriest optimist into a grump. But now comes the ultimate summer bummer:
No one is more disappointed than this guy:
The article got me to thinking…
who would win a Hairy Chest Contest on The Love Boat?
(Yes, I’m aware that the Pacific Princess was part of Princess Cruises, not Carnival… but I’m not going to let the facts get in the way of a fun post.)
Rules of the game:
- Staff isn’t eligible (sorry Doc, Isaac, Gopher and Captain Stubing).
- Hairiest Chest wins.
Then, I combed (see what I did there?) through the list of Love Boat guest stars, from A to Z… or more accurately, from Aames to Zmed.
I actually checked not one, but two lists (my diligence in researching cheesy 70s TV knows no bounds – you’re welcome!). There’s the list of guest stars on IMDB – 552 names in all! But this site has a more exhaustive list as it includes every person billed as a guest star (meaning they got the “your face in a porthole” treatment in the opening credits).
Place your bets
| Guest star | Odds | Expert commentary |
| Ken Berry | 99-1 | This guy was the epitome of “clean cut” on F-Troop, Mayberry RFD and in pretty much every other role he played. No chance. |
| Ernest Borgnine | 5-2 | A swarthy man’s man and a real-life friend of George “Goober” Lindsey. Also starred in a TV show with “wolf” in the title (Airwolf). Definitely a contender. |
| Tom Bosley | 9-1 | Does the “C” in “Mr. C” stand for “chest hair”? Only Marion knows for sure. |
| Patrick Duffy | 25-1 | Had a perfect 70s hairdo… but we think his chest was a hair-don’t. |
| Jamie Farr | 4-1 | Based on his past performance (hairy legs in pantyhose), he looks primed to M*A*S*H the competition. |
| Erik Estrada | 15-1 | Might not have what it takes when the CHiPs are down and the shirts are off. |
| Don Knotts | 70-1 | Probably Knott the best bet, but was a Furley down the stretch. |
| Al Molinaro and Pat Morita | 10-1 | Entry featuring both owners of Arnold’s could be a threat, but Morita might give his chest hair a “wax off.” |
| Nipsey Russell | 20-1 | Russell shows hustle, but his chest ain’t the best. |
| Charo | 80-1 | Not a legit entry, but by law every Love Boat-related document must contain at least one reference to her. |
Dark Horse candidate
During my deep-dive (ha!) research, I found this photo:
I guest a post-Grizzly Adams (but pre-cocaine bust) Dan Haggerty didn’t merit the porthole treatment. But the dude went toe-to-toe and pelt-to-pelt with a bear. Definitely a favorite to win it all.
And the winner is…
The winner, by a whisker, in the mother of all upsets, is:
Wow, from perpetual Hollywood Square to the toast of the coast… congrats!
Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it? I’m parched from my exhaustive research, so if you’ll excuse me, I need to get a Piña Colada from the hardest working bartender in show business (he worked the Lido Deck AND Pirate’s Cove… amazing!)
You really owe it to yourself to spend some quality time with the list of all the guest stars and their plot lines.
It’s filled with fun facts and funny photos. In short, it’s as fabulous as Nanette Fabray AND Shelley Fabares. Then, curl up with some popcorn and feast your eyes upon this supercut of every Love Boat guest star ever. Both the list of guest stars and this video are from the blog Gr8er Days, which celebrates the stars of yesteryear.
Life is Funny… or the Funnies
Sometimes you can find the profound in the least likely places… like the Sunday comics section. Here are two gems from this past weekend:
I’d rather “marvel” at SolarPower Man and WindWoman.
You got that right, comic strip Pig! And the best way to get that love is to give it.
Love you!
[Pearls Before Swine and Wumo are available on GoComics.com.]
Up Periscope
This person is breaking the rules:
“The first rule of Colonoscopy Club is: we don’t talk about Colonoscopy Club.”
I’m in favor of getting recommendations for good medical care, but I don’t know that asking a bunch of strangers (albeit “neighbors”) on NextDoor is the right way to go about it. It’s like checking out at the grocery store and having the cashier get on the P.A. saying “I need a price check on Preparation H on Lane 3!”
I suppose what I’m saying is word-of-mouth may not be as relevant when we’re talking about a doc who is sticking a camera pretty far away from your mouth.
Not to mention that you’ll probably only see your doc for about 5 seconds before the sedation meds kick in… and you won’t remember talking to him/her afterwards.
My recommendations for a colonoscopy:
- Get one if you’re over 50.
- Make sure it’s a real doctor.
- Preferably a gastroenterologist.
- Don’t broadcast it to your neighbors.
Mowing down some food
I’d like to think that the part of town in which I live, Mt. Washington, isn’t hillbilly. But then I’m confronted with the harsh reality: a guy on a riding mower at the Wendy’s drive-thru.
I don’t think he understands the concept of “grass-fed beef.”
Maybe he’s trying to “cut” his caloric intake.
He’s been waiting for his order for a few minutes, but it won’t be “lawn” now.
He wants “mower” ketchup packets for his fries.
I’m not a Karen… I’m just carin’
In my dotage, I’ve become “that guy”…
OK, I haven’t taken to yelling at clouds yet, but I DID write to the City of Cincinnati to school them on the many benefits of the “zipper merge” when they had traffic barrels set up on the road I take to work.
(Sidebar: the Zipper Merge deserves its own post… study up here.)
And I used the Fix it Cincy! app on my phone to complain about the sinkhole forming near a drain on the baseball fields near our house. Because if someone were walking there after dark, they could break a leg. And not in the Broadway sense.
And I also used the Fix it Cincy! app to get a Grand Canyon-sized pothole filled on a busy street near our house.
I sent in my request on a Thursday night, and the pothole was repaired by Monday afternoon. (And yes, I filled out the feedback survey to let them know I appreciated their prompt response – I can do compliments just as well as complaints.)
You can’t fight City Hall. But you can ask them to be wise stewards of your tax dollars, and fix what needs to be fixed. And if you don’t reach out, you’ve got no right to complain. But feel free to yell at clouds all you want.
You done said…