My Top 10 resolutions/goals for 2017: 

  1. Learn a new language. (Russian would seem to make the most sense.)
  2. Buy the world a Coke. (Just to clarify so we’re all on the same page, I’m buying a single Coke and all 7 billion of you will have to share. Don’t worry, I’ll spring for a 2-liter. Bring your own straw.)
  3. Have an attitude of gratitude… when I finally win that Powerball jackpot that The Man has been cheating me out of for years.
  4. Avoid all media references to Kim Kardashian and/or Kanye West. (So basically go live in a cave.)
  5. Sell my idea for bacon-wrapped Canadian bacon to Hormel or Oscar Mayer.
  6. Stop, collaborate and listen (per the instructions of self-improvement guru Vanilla Ice).
  7. Stop making lists for everything.
  8. Somehow convince our incoming president that “counterintelligence” has nothing to do with knowing the difference between granite, quartz and laminate.
  9. Finish what I start.