I’d never heard of the website Defector until a few days ago, and didn’t realize that a gentleman named Drew Magary has been creating a hilarious annual “Hater’s Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog” for several years now.
So thanks to my friend Daniele for putting the 2020 Hater’s Guide on my radar.
From the Defector website – Illustration by Jim Cooke
It is, hands down, the funniest piece I’ve read all year. Bitingly sarcastic, and laugh-out-loud (yes, an actual LOL!) funny.
The language is a bit salty, but Williams-Sonoma has earned every curse word with their exorbitantly priced wares.
Look again at that price. Now lemme add a few more gratuitous exclamation points. A H!!!U!!NDRED G!ODD!!!AMN D!!!!OLL!!!ARS!!!!!!! For a box of Hungry Jack, a squeeze bottle, a spatula, an obligatory tartan tchotchke, and some goddamn syrup. Now I’m a pancake enthusiast, so I know that the market for pure maple syrup is highly volatile. But for $100, I could drive to Vermont and tap a maple tree MYSELF to get the goods.
Drew Magary’s comments on the WILLIAMS-SONOMA CHRISTMAS BREAKFAST GIFT CRATE
Read it and weep – because you’ll be laughing so hard you’ll be crying.
BTW, my exhaustive research (i.e. typing “Defector website” into DuckDuckGo’s search box) has revealed that Defector is a bunch of… defectors from Deadspin.
David L. Lander passed away a couple of weeks ago. Name doesn’t ring a bell? How about if I call him “the guy who played ‘Squiggy’ on Laverne & Shirley“? If you’re in my age bracket, that should be all the info you need, because “Lenny” (David’s longtime friend Michael McKean) and “Squiggy” were indelible sitcom characters. They could steal a scene just by entering it:
McKean and Lander met as freshmen in college at Carnegie Tech in Pittsburgh, which is where they created their Lenny and Squiggy characters. Both later became performers in The Credibility Gap, a group that performed satirical comedy sketches on L.A. radio stations. Here’s a video version of one of The Credibility Gap’s most famous bits, featuring David L. Lander and Harry Shearer:
Long after his “Squiggy” heyday, Lander stayed busy with bit parts and voice acting gigs. Which is even more impressive when you consider the fact that he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1984, just a year after Laverne & Shirley concluded its run. He didn’t announce it publicly until 1999. (His 2002 book was entitled Fall Down Laughing: How Squiggy Caught Multiple Sclerosis and Didn’t Tell Nobody.) He later became an ambassador for M.S.
Oh, and he also worked as a baseball scout for the Anaheim Angels and the Seattle Mariners.
Also worth noting that in Hollywood, where marriages have the life cycle of a fruit fly, David and his wife got married in 1979.
Most of us will remember him as Squiggy — and that character was certainly quite memorable — but there was a lot more to David L. Lander.
We’re in the process of renovating our kitchen. I blame HGTV. My wife watches all those home improvement shows and thinks it’s easy to just blow out a wall or three, tear out drywall and plaster, and reroute electric and HVAC and plumbing. All of which are in progress right now.
To be clear, when I say “we” are in the process of renovating our kitchen, I’m talking about a sensible division of labor: people who actually know what they’re doing are doing the heavy lifting, and we’re writing a fat check.
This stuff scares me… and I’m not just talking about the exposed electrical wires.
I’m afraid that we’re messing with the home’s “aura.”
Our house was built in 1941. It’s had nearly 80 years to accumulate ghosts. Tearing out a wall might unleash the hounds of hell…
… or worse yet, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
But we moved in 20 years ago, and haven’t done much at all to the kitchen. It was overdue for a “reboot.” And if “Saved by the Bell” can do it, by gosh, so can we!
Once the work crew started tearing things up on “demo day” (thanks HGTV, for that term of endearment) we could see that the previous owner had autographed his updates, which were done waaaay back in 1992.
Our kitchen had a “Blossom” vibe to it.
The other thing that’s revealed in the process is that houses are really just “sticks and bricks.”
And just because things have “always been this way” in your tenure doesn’t mean that they’ve really always been that way. Our sunroom has always been a sunroom to us, but it used to be an outdoor porch. The wall opening between that room and the kitchen used to be a window. Now it’s going to be an entryway. We’re repositioning the stove… but once some of the ceiling was torn down, you can see that the stove actually used to be in that same spot!
A house is pliable. Changing things up doesn’t make it any less of a home. Unless you take out a load-bearing wall! (Don’t worry, we didn’t do that.)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash some dishes in the utility sink by the washing machine in our basement. I can’t wait until the reno is over.
Our youngest kid started his first real job this week. (I don’t count the weekly community newpaper route he had for a couple of years, because a parent had to drive him around for that.) He’s 15 and a half now, and he’s working at a restaurant. The same restaurant where his 17-year-old sister works. Oh, and his 19-year-old brother… and his 20-year-old brother as well.
Yes, we’ve got a real pizza parlor pipeline going on. (Uh, not like the hoax one in D.C.) Our oldest even serves as the shift manager a couple of nights a week.
My kids are all gainfully employed. I love it! (So does my wallet!)
Ramundo’s is about five blocks from our house — easy walking distance (although our kids rarely walk it). The business is still doing well during the pandemic (more deliveries, less dine-in), the owners are great folks and they treat their employees well. (“They’re making tons of dough!” #DadJoke)
Photo source: New York Times… that means it’s New York style pizza
There’s only one problem with this pizza payroll situation: some of the pizza slices that are left over at the end of the shift make their way into our house… and into my belly.
I suppose packing on a few extra pizza pounds is a small price to pay for having someone else pay my kids.
I can’t decide which is worse. The fact that “The Boss” is on the cover of the latest issue of AARP Magazine…
… or the fact that the AARP Magazine is mailed to my home address every two months.
Time is NOT on my side, no matter how much I try to deny it.
Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce is now oooooooooold. Eddie Van Halen and Neil Peart are gone, along with dozens of other rock heroes of my youth. I’ve gone from Rage Against the Machine to “Rage, rage, against the dying of the light.”
How did this happen? When did this happen? Who am I and what am I doing here?
I suppose there’s no sense lamenting it. Father Time is undefeated. May as well embrace my senior status… and my AARP discounts!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go impart some words of wisdom upon the youth of America.
Yes, I’m a 55-year-old man who still loves reading comic strips. And I’m not ashamed of that at all. (Mainly because I don’t read the crappy strips like Marmaduke. I have more discerning tastes.)
This Modern World, a weekly political comic strip by Tom Tomorrow (a.k.a. Dan Perkins), is consistently funny and thought-provoking — a tough combo to pull off.
I used to read This Modern World in the local alternative weekly until budget cuts caused the paper to drop it. Now I subscribe to Sparky’s List, Tom Tomorrow’s subscription-based weekly email that includes the weekly strip as well as some notes about the work and other musings on life. It’s $10 for six months – a bargain at twice the price. If you don’t care to spare the ten spot, you can check out each week’s strip Mondays on the Daily Kos or Tuesdays on The Nib.
Make fun of me all you want for reading the funny papers. I don’t care, I’m still gonna read ’em. You may think it’s a waste of time, but I sure don’t.
Kevin Sullivan on Life advice from a man who lived it: “A good one Damian. Bring our lens into focus after the long weekend or our long life journey.” Jul 7, 09:38
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