I’m a fashion disaster. The poster child for “What Not To Wear.” I have a black belt in wearing the wrong color belt. Compared to me, Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies is a GQ cover model.


My fashionista wife tries her best to cure me, but putting fancy pants on me is like putting lipstick on a pig. However, thanks to my wife and daughter, I now at least know the meaning of words like “jeggings” and “skorts.”

jeggings: leggings that look like jeans

skorts: shorts that look like a skirt

But why stop with those two combos? There are plenty more portmanteaus that should be part of the fashion vocabulary, such as:

Means: mom jeans


Fahrenhat: a knit wool cap worn even during the hottest days of summer

Flannull: Lumberjack style shirt worn by a hipster even though the only “axe” he’s familiar with is the body spray.


Fhat: Old fogey hat worn by anyone under the age of 40, like Mr. “Fedora Twins” from the Lowe’s commercial

fedora twins

Blank-top: a tank top “muscle shirt” worn by someone without any muscles at all

blank top

Swapkins: XXXL sweatpants that also double as napkins for wiping chicken wing sauce off your hands

Boob top: a tube top worn during Mardi Gras parades in New Orleans