The 12 Random Thoughts of Christmas

  1. The older your kids get, the more expensive their gifts get. You can buy a lot of wooden blocks for less than one XBox.
  2. Shoe companies should make shoelaces out of Christmas light wires, because those strands always stay tied up. 
  3. If you buy an “ugly sweater” anywhere other than a thrift shop, you are part of the problem.
  4. Fruitcake gets a bad rap – those boxed chocolates with coconut inside are just as bad. 
  5. Most holiday music is so awful, the “Toyotathon” remake of “Jingle Bell Rock” is probably in the top 10.
  6. Every kiss begins with Kay, but the word “sucker” has You and Kay in it.
  7. The “A Christmas Story” marathon is the best part of the season.
  8. If red cups = a war on Christmas, then Solo is in big trouble.    
  9. It’s only a matter of time until there’s a limited edition Figgy Pudding flavored Cap’n Crunch.  
  10. 40% of Mall Santas also sing Kenny Rogers songs at karaoke bars.
  11. Forget a better mousetrap – if someone  invents a better Christmas tree stand, the world will beat a path to their door. 
  12. Let’s not forget the real reason for the season: selling more Star Wars merchandise.

Plastic ain’t fantastic

Here’s a plastic surgery ad from a recent issue of Cincinnati Magazine:

plastic surg

I had no idea there were so many options… face lift, neck lift, eyelid lift (isn’t that called “waking up”?), volume lift, fat transfer (isn’t that what happens when you take a Twinkie out of the box and put it in your mouth?)… and things with sci-fi names like Dysport and Liposonix.

Here’s a better idea: accept your body the way it is. Warts and all. Saggy eyelids and all. Embrace the aging process, or at least deal with it in a way that doesn’t involve scalpels, injections, suctions or concoctions with an “SM” next to their name.

I have a theory that plastic surgery doesn’t just remove or reposition unwanted flesh, it also steals brain cells. So perhaps you’ll look a bit better but you’ll be a lot dumber. And looking better isn’t always guaranteed. Look at poor Meg Ryan, who went from America’s Sweetheart to looking like a stunt double for The Riddler.

Here’s a Twilight Zone episode that teaches a beautiful lesson about aging.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xx7fti_twilight-zone-the-trade-ins_shortfilms

If you don’t have 25 minutes to spare—but you should always have 25 minutes to spare for Rod Serling—here’s the best line from the show, a quote from Robert Browning:

“Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made.”

 

 

Save a forest without chaining yourself to a tree

Every year, someone would drop a two-ton Yellow Pages book on our front porch… and they’d drop one on the porch of every other house on our street. And on every street in the neighborhood, the city, and the world for all I know. Seriously? Who uses the Yellow Pages print edition anymore? Marty McFly? Are they looking up “Betamax Repair Shop” in it?

BetaMax

Are they trying to hire a private investigator?

rockford_yp_ad2_by_aaron_tuell-d63w5ne (1)

Our gargantuan edition went directly from our front porch to the recycle bin, just like it has for the past  decade. But the prime directive of the green living trifecta is “reduce” (then reuse, with recycle as the last, least efficient option). So I found out that we can opt out of Yellow Pages print delivery. You can too. Let your fingers do the walking on your computer keyboard, and sign up here: https://www.yellowpagesoptout.com/.

Tell your neighbors about the opt-out option too – based on the heft of the YP tome, we can save a tree or two per house, easily.

treehugger-love

 

 

How I became a growler guy

I like beer. Sometimes it loves me back. These days we only get together on the weekends, which is good because if we see each other too often I get a headache.

Man Holding Ice Pack On Head.

Until this Thanksgiving, my post-college retail beer purchases had been relegated to cans or bottles. But now I’m on board the growler bandwagon. I know I’m late to the party – and all the hipsters have been there a while – but I didn’t think growlers made sense for me. Because I drink beers so infrequently, and when I do I only have a few, I thought a growler would just mean that I’d buy a half-gallon of beer and most of it would go bad and I’ve have to toss it. Somewhat akin to buying a 5-gallon vat of mayonnaise at a club store. And I hate wasting money. I’m worse than this guy:

But if you do the math, a 64-oz. growler is a mere 4 pints, and you can get it filled a lot cheaper than buying 4 pints at a bar or taproom. A lot of the startup craft breweries aren’t even canning or bottling their product yet, so the growler is the only way to take some home with you. My first growler fill was a limited edition Opera Cream Stout from Blank Slate Brewing. It’s delightful, but only available for a few weeks each year. Short of taking up residency in the Blank Slate taproom, my growler was the best way to prolong the enjoyment.

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A growler is perfect for trying out new beers, too… enough to determine whether or not you like it, without getting stuck with leftover cans or bottles in your fridge. It’s a nice way to bring beer to parties as well.

All this beer talk has left me parched. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get a refill…

 

 

 

 

 

Calling all word nerds

If, like me, you’re a word nerd (or perhaps you prefer the more appealing appellation of “linguistics lover”), this article from the Washington Post is a must-read. It’s about how — and why — the WaPo is changing their official abbreviation for microphone from “mike” to “mic” and how they’re ditching the hyphen in e-mail. Fascinating stuff about how our living, breathing language evolves over time.

scrabble___word_nerd_by_evilauthoressk_chan