A week ago, a winter storm dumped about 10 inches of snow on our fair city. Friday we got a couple more inches. Much to the delight of an early 90s one-hit-wonder Canadian reggae musician.
And much to my dismay.
I’m not a winter person. Never have been. Maybe it was growing up in Arkansas, which is warmer most of the time… combined with the fact when it DID get cold in the foothills of the Ozarks, our home’s only heat sources were three small propane heaters (one in the living room, one in the back bedroom, one in the bathroom). We couldn’t leave them on all night (for both safety and economic reasons) so when we got up in the morning, we had to strike a match, turn on the gas flow, light that sucker up and huddle around it.
Oh, and the bathroom only had a tub, not a shower. My dad paid a buddy to put one in, but it was installed in a different, uninsulated room at the very back of the house. Sometimes the water coming out of the shower head would turn to icicles (exaggerating a bit, but it sure felt chilly back there).
Never learned to ski. My few attempts were always on Midwestern hills with man-made snow, which turned to ice, which made falling a real treat. And I fell a lot!
But there’s a special place in hell reserved for those folks who say “If it’s already cold, it may as well snow. I like snow. It looks so pretty!”
Yes, it looks pretty for about an hour. Then you realize it’s all over your driveway. And the sidewalks. And the roads. And then turns into a gray, ugly mess that sticks around way too long. (BTW, “gray, ugly mess that sticks around way too long” is what Mrs. Dubbatrubba calls me.)
Yeah, snow in the winter is a real treat. The shoveling. The chance of busting your butt on a patch of ice with every step you take. With dogs, it’s even “prettier” when their pee turns half of your backyard yellow… and their poops are magically preserved in the snow. You never see that on anyone’s Instagram feed.
Oh, and you “just bundle up” people? You can join the “I wish it would snow” people in hell. Yes, layers help you stay warm. But it takes 20 minutes to gear up, and you wind up looking like the little brother in A Christmas Story.
I’ll take shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops any day of the year. (Yes, I know, I live in the wrong city.)
But the top reason I hate snow is this:
That’s my friend Vinnie’s wife’s car. Or it was her car. She’s OK. They live in Maryland, on a country road. Without snow, it’s two lanes wide. But when snow falls, it turns into single track… and when you turn a corner and there’s a FedEx truck barreling down the 20 m.p.h. lane going 40, there’s not a whole lot you can do.
People don’t wreck nearly as much in plain old “cold.” Snow creates all sorts of extra traffic issues.
I know I shouldn’t complain. Most winters, Cincinnati is pretty unscathed by heavy snowfall. That said, if you’re one of those snow lovers, you’re welcome to come to our house and take as much as you’d like from our driveway and yard. We’ll even throw in the doggie “presents” free of charge!
If you need me, I’ll be hibernating until I can play pickleball again.
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