Up Periscope

This person is breaking the rules:

“The first rule of Colonoscopy Club is: we don’t talk about Colonoscopy Club.”

I’m in favor of getting recommendations for good medical care, but I don’t know that asking a bunch of strangers (albeit “neighbors”) on NextDoor is the right way to go about it. It’s like checking out at the grocery store and having the cashier get on the P.A. saying “I need a price check on Preparation H on Lane 3!”

This guy wound up selling meth.

I suppose what I’m saying is word-of-mouth may not be as relevant when we’re talking about a doc who is sticking a camera pretty far away from your mouth.

Not to mention that you’ll probably only see your doc for about 5 seconds before the sedation meds kick in… and you won’t remember talking to him/her afterwards.

My recommendations for a colonoscopy:

  1. Get one if you’re over 50.
  2. Make sure it’s a real doctor.
  3. Preferably a gastroenterologist.
  4. Don’t broadcast it to your neighbors.

Mowing down some food

I’d like to think that the part of town in which I live, Mt. Washington, isn’t hillbilly. But then I’m confronted with the harsh reality: a guy on a riding mower at the Wendy’s drive-thru.

I don’t think he understands the concept of “grass-fed beef.”

Maybe he’s trying to “cut” his caloric intake.

He’s been waiting for his order for a few minutes, but it won’t be “lawn” now.

He wants “mower” ketchup packets for his fries.

I’m not a Karen… I’m just carin’

In my dotage, I’ve become “that guy”…

OK, I haven’t taken to yelling at clouds yet, but I DID write to the City of Cincinnati to school them on the many benefits of the “zipper merge” when they had traffic barrels set up on the road I take to work.

(Sidebar: the Zipper Merge deserves its own post… study up here.)

And I used the Fix it Cincy! app on my phone to complain about the sinkhole forming near a drain on the baseball fields near our house. Because if someone were walking there after dark, they could break a leg. And not in the Broadway sense.

The city put up the caution tape first, and filled the sinkhole shortly thereafter.

And I also used the Fix it Cincy! app to get a Grand Canyon-sized pothole filled on a busy street near our house.

I sent in my request on a Thursday night, and the pothole was repaired by Monday afternoon. (And yes, I filled out the feedback survey to let them know I appreciated their prompt response – I can do compliments just as well as complaints.)

You can’t fight City Hall. But you can ask them to be wise stewards of your tax dollars, and fix what needs to be fixed. And if you don’t reach out, you’ve got no right to complain. But feel free to yell at clouds all you want.

Valley Heat – the hottest podcast in the world!

I’m late to the game on this podcast (sorry, I lead a sheltered life), but Valley Heat is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time.

It’s like A Confederacy of Dunces meets Arrested Development meets Fernwood 2 Night…. Doug’s deadpan delivery, a wacky cast of characters, fun music references, the bogus promo spots, and great theater-of-the-mind audio all combine to create a perfect storm of humor. Every element is note-perfect!

It’s a bit tough to explain because the folks responsible for the podcast have created a whole wacky world within a Burbank, California neighborhood. Tosthe protagonist, Doug, ostensibly is trying to crack the case of who is using his garbage can as a drug drop. But really that’s just a doorway to all sorts of shenanigans involving an accident-prone attorney, a house that’s also a nightclub/arcade/pizza parlor/car wash, a mean father-in-law (who also runs a muffler empire), a DEA agent who does stakeouts with his mom, legendary frisbee golf players, mean foosball players, Jan that Movie (listen to learn), and a weaselly optometrist. Speaking of which, here’s Doug talking about his teenage son, who was prescribed transition lenses:

I wound up binge-listening to all the episodes over a weekend and was cracking up the whole time. I don’t know what sort of mind can come up with a Simon & Garfunkel alternate version of the Cheers theme song, but I’m totally here for it!

The Patreon offers bonus episodes, which are equally entertaining. Here’s an excerpt about a new product that sounds perfect… other than the fire hazard:
Don’t just trust my judgment on this, trust Eliza Skinner:

Or my buddy Howard:

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have some Jannie Cakes for breakfast…

Mission Unaccomplished

Here’s my horoscope from a couple of Sundays ago:

I’m pretty sure I’m the reigning champ of the world… nay, the universe… at goofing off. I’ve been practicing for decades. My job during the summer after my freshman year of college was lifeguard.

Yep, that’s pretty much how I looked…

Sure, we had to make sure the pool patrons didn’t drown (it’s bad for repeat business), but 99.9% of the time I was sitting on my butt…. or using tortilla chips to skim the crusty layer off the nacho “cheese” (using that term very loosely) in the snack bar.

The following summer I took the same gig .(I’m mean, who wouldn’t double down on the free nachos?).

I shifted gears slightly the next summer – I was a summer camp counselor. Actually, check that, I was a summer day camp counselor. So I spent my days playing “Capture the Flag” with a bunch of rugrats (and got a free lunch) but then I could go home to a bed instead of roughing it in a tent or cabin.

Yep, that’s pretty much how I looked dressed.

None of those jobs involved night shifts. The pool was closed on Sunday. While the money wasn’t great, the jobs were decidedly “cush gigs.”

Once I graduated, my jobs were:

  • Marketing at a horse racing track
  • radio station
  • another radio station
  • travel agent
  • radio yet again
  • still more radio
  • writer at an ad agency
  • writer at a marketing firm

These dainty hands of mine have never known calluses. (Although there was that one time when the hot nacho cheese dripped on a knuckle… )

Writing takes up the lion’s share of my workday now. And with all due respect to the late great sportswriter Red Smith, who said:

Writing is easy. You simply sit down at the typewriter, open your veins, and bleed.”

The type of writing I do (employee communications) isn’t exactly War and Peace. And the first part of writing is coming up with ideas, which is really glorified daydreaming. So I get paid to stare out the window. (I’m really really good at it… probably my 2nd best skill behind “nacho eating.”)

I do believe I’ve fulfilled my horoscope destiny. (It’s not being lazy if it’s written in the stars!)

However, I don’t want to take any chances. To increase my goofing off capacity, I need to make sure my well-honed do-nothing muscles don’t atrophy. Practice makes perfect, right? So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be the one napping on the couch, with a streak of nacho “cheese” trailing down my cheek.

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