166.7% awful

A bank based in Cincinnati — Fifth Third Bank — unveiled their new tagline about a week ago. If you already put your socks on this morning, apologies in advance, because they are going to get blown right off by this gem:

This is banking. A Fifth Third better.

OK, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now. What an amazing, stupendous… piece of garbage.

“You know the saying: ‘He gave 110 percent?’ We give 167 percent,” said chief marketing officer Matt Jauchius.

The ads quickly make a point of explaining that five-thirds equals 166.7 percent, then pledge to serve customers that much better.

Yes, that’s right, while customers are expecting Fifth Third to take care of their money, Fifth Third (aka 5/3) is asking their customers to do fractions. Welcome back to 4th grade.

The Fifth Third name is rather unwieldy, coming from the merger of the Fifth National Bank and the Third National Bank way back in 1908.

So I’ll grade on the curve. But their slogans have gotten progressively worse over the past couple of decades. They used to be “the only bank you’ll ever need.” That morphed into “working hard to be the only bank you’ll ever need.” Then came the decidedly lame “the curious bank”…

Customer: “Where’d my money go?”

Bank Teller: “I’m curious about that myself.”

It would be hard to lower the bar from that curious slogan, but somehow 5/3 found a way. If my math is correct, they lowered it 166.7%.

“Wow, they really make banking seem simple and not at all intimidating!”

Thanks to my contacts in the Cincinnati ad agency community, I was able to find the runner-up slogans:

  • Turning fractions into actions
  • 4 is between 5 and 3, and we are working 4 you
  • ┬áInvert your divisor and multiply your savings
  • Fifth is really Third if you subtract the illegal voters
  • 1.666 – the number of the beastly bank
  • You’re gonna need a Fifth of whiskey when we take a Third of your money

I’m 166.7% sure that I’m not going to be banking at Fifth Third anytime soon.

“You passed the math test…. have a golden lolly!”

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